Some of the Funnier Things Said

In a rut? Grumbling about all the nonsense in your life? Switch to decaf and lighten up a bit. Easier said then done, eh? Well, give these jokes and quotes a read. They should do the trick.

1. Rodney Dangerfield - I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

2. Paul Ehrlich - To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

3. Steven Wright - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

4. Jay Leno - Dick Cheney says he loves California - out here the rich and famous can shoot people and get away with it. Wait till these Enron guys find out that in prison, the term "Insider trading" has a whole new meaning.

5. Dave Attell - You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike

6. Steven Wright - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

7. Rodney Dangerfield - A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

8. George Bush - One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.

9. Bill Maher - Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

10. Rodney Dangerfield - I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

11. Steven Wright - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. Steven Wright - If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

13. George Bush - To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say: You, too, can be president of the United States.

14. Dave Attell - Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

15. Steven Wright - Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

If life is getting you down, fight back. Read a joke or funny saying each day. Even on the worst of days, it will provide you with a little glimmer of relief. A laugh a day keeps the mental institution away!

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